We need to stop stealing from our kids.
I’m not talking about dipping into their
piggy banks when they’re not looking (although, let’s be honest… we’ve all probably done that at some point!). I am talking about robbing our children of opportunities to learn, grow, and thrive. I’m talking about stealing chances for them to be recognized, and to recognize themselves, as capable, valuable human beings worthy of dignity and respect.
When a child gets hurt and we quickly tell them “Don’t cry! You’re okay!”, we rob them of a chance to share their feelings and feel validated. Think about it. If you were hurt and turned to a friend or colleague to share your pain and they responded with, “You’re fine!”, would you feel heard or understood? Would you feel your emotions were recognized as valid?
When our children are asked a question and we don’t give them time to respond, we steal the chance for them to find and share their unique voice. Why do we jump in to fill the silence and answer on their behalf? What message does that send them? Are we protecting them or ourselves from what might feel like uncomfortable silence?
When our kids are slow or struggling with a task, if we step in to do it for them, we rob them of the opportunity to accomplish their goal. We are stealing the reward and feeling of pride that comes with overcoming a challenging task. Furthermore, we are sending them a message that they are not capable.
We are careful to remind children not to interrupt our conversations, but do we treat them with the same respect? How often have we stolen the floor from a child who is speaking by interrupting or ignoring what they are saying to us so that we can respond to another adult’s question or attend to a different conversation happening in the room?
When we raise our glasses to cheer at the dinner table and we leave children out of this ritual, we are robbing them of their earliest opportunities to feel valued, as people, regardless of their age and size. Instead, if we also turn to the younger people in the room and clink our glasses with their pop cans and sippy cups, we send the message that they are important, and they belong.
Next time your child falls and scrapes their knee, try responding with “Wow! That must hurt a lot!” and watch their reaction. Next time you are having a conversation with a child, and they are interrupted, hold their gaze and tell them you are still listening. Furthermore, look for opportunities to include children in conversations and purposely seek out their opinions.
Life is busy and our schedules are full; however, try to look for times when you can slow down to let children work through a challenging task. Teach them how to prepare a sandwich and then give them the time and space to make their own lunch (and worry about the mess later!). Then - and this is the really important part – acknowledge their accomplishment and celebrate it with them!
We must stop stealing opportunities for our children to see themselves
as capable and worthy. We must take the time to turn towards children to hear their voices, understand their pain, and clink their glasses. If we do, our children will feel valued and respected for who they are as human beings and they will begin to believe that they matter…because they do.
Colleen Harvey
Registered Provisional Psychologist
*Adapted from original post dated, October 2022